(Full Title) We’re Still Debating Whether ‘Mud’ was Really the Name of the Doctor Versus the Monster or if it was What he Called his Sled Since Those Tapes are Due Back to Blockbuster on Thursday
That guy from the My Name is Mud song appeared in my living room the other day. You know, by Primus? He stood there with his baseball bat and all, kind of just faded in slowly until he was solid. Even had some actual mud on him.
I’m not sure what caused it. Dude isn’t even real. He’s kind of like a statue, doesn’t move or say anything, though he does at least feel like a person.
I decided to call the building superintendent and make a complaint. After all, it had to be something wrong with the apartment, right? Faulty wiring? Condenser gone out on the fridge? Something made Mud appear in my living room. I didn’t have that Columbia House Fictional Characters of Primus Monthly Collectibles Club or anything, so it wasn’t my fault. The superintendent seemed like a good place to start.
He denied all responsibility though, said it was late medieval style sympathetic magic. Apparently, some guy was out buying stuff on ebay to correct the mistakes of the past that had prevented characters from being real. Song people were appearing all over town, mine in specific somehow connected to a ‘buy it now’ for a Scooby Doo novelty plastic martini glass…though he couldn’t precisely explain how.
He’d gotten D’s in wizardry back in high school, just like me.
There was no harm though, he insisted. The caster wasn’t that great himself, and the figures would never fully animate. He told me to simply vacuum around him and maybe dust the poor sap once in a while, even offered to discount the small amount of square footage occupied off rent. I felt things were good at that point though. I had a family sized bottle of Drixoral cough syrup, a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and one or two nefarious plans for Mud that no one would know enough about to stop.
It was time to get to it.
David S. Atkinson is the author of books such as “Roses are Red, Violets are Stealing Loose Change from my Pockets While I Sleep,” “Apocalypse All the Time,” and the Nebraska book award winning “Not Quite so Stories.” He is a Prose Assistant Editor for “Digging Through The Fat” and his writing appears in “Spelk,” “Jellyfish Review,” “Thrice Fiction,” “Literary Orphans,” and more. His writing website is http://davidsatkinsonwriting.com/.